Luke and I are fast approaching a milestone in our lives together. In about a month we will celebrate 5 years of married life together. With each year I can say I love him more than the last. I won't get all sappy and ooey-gooey, but I will say I am truly blessed to be married to Luke.
I thought I'd share some things that have been mulling over in my mind today. This morning I went to "Mom to Mom" which is a once-a-month program at our church that offers encouragement and teaching to moms. This month's topic was "Marriage" specifically how to communicate to your spouse. I didn't come away with much new information. But I was reminded of our first year of marriage and some things that we learned about ourselves.
Lessons I've learned:
1. Take a breath and try to explain, even if it's a jumbled mess at the beginning.
Let me elaborate. I didn't (and still don't, at times) communicate well what I'm feeling. There were occasions that I would get so upset that I'd pout in the bedroom or lock myself in the bathroom to have my pity party. The main problem with this is that it would leave Luke so confused and left in the dark about what was really wrong. I don't run away anymore and haven't for several years. We are able to talk through most of our problems peaceably even if it means waiting til we've cooled off a bit. (By the way, I don't agree with the statement "Don't go to bed angry" I usually find that, even after a rough night's sleep, things usually look clearer in the morning.) I've learned that the reason I usually got upset was because I felt disconnected, like we were just roommates, living separate lives, only occupying the same living space. I think that's pretty normal for the first year and it does take time to learn how to live together.
2. Say "Thank you" to your spouse, even for the things that are "their job"
I don't remember where I heard this, but it has stuck with me. Everyone likes to be appreciated, right? I am so encouraged when Luke says thank you for the things I do routinely, from laundry to taking care of our son. So, a few years ago, when things started to get a bit difficult financially for us, and Luke was beginning to get discouraged, I tried to make sure to say thank you to Luke at least once a day. It's a simple concept, but I found that I hadn't been appreciating my husband in a way he could see it. Some times I wouldn't see him all day, so I'd leave a note in his lunchbox or on a sticky note where I'd be sure he'd see it. He is always uplifted by those notes and thank you's, it makes our days not quite so heavy. I don't do this as often as I used to, having a child can change your focus a bit, but I do try to say it more than once a week.
3. Pray together
I think this started while we were still dating. I was going to counseling for depression and other issues, and at times I would have anxiety attacks while with Luke. He would pray (sometimes read scripture or sing), not knowing really what else to do, and that usually calmed me down. From there, when we were on the phone at night, we would close our conversation in the evening with prayer. Now, it's the last thing we do in the evening. I look forward to that close time with Luke every night, hearing his heart as he prays over our family and for our future.
4.You, your spouse, and your children are your family. Everyone else is just relatives.
This is something Luke heard from his mom. I remember him telling me, "WE are family, our parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and nieces and nephews - they are just relatives." I felt such a weight fall from my shoulders. The pressure we put on ourselves and others to make it to every family gathering is sometimes ridiculous. I think there were over 10 Christmas gatherings (family and work related) we had to attend our first year together and I was so stressed out I couldn't enjoy any of it. But since we've taken this on as a sort of motto for how we decide on what family gatherings we can attend, it has really simplified our lives. We love our family, we aren't trying to avoid them, and sometimes we still do too much. But the guilt for not attending an event is reduced. We first think, "Is this going to be healthy for my family?" And sometimes it's not. Other times it is.
I don't think I'm an expert on marriage, these are simply things I've learned and grown in in the last 5 years.
