Thoughts on Marriage

Luke and I are fast approaching a milestone in our lives together. In about a month we will celebrate 5 years of married life together. With each year I can say I love him more than the last. I won't get all sappy and ooey-gooey, but I will say I am truly blessed to be married to Luke.

I thought I'd share some things that have been mulling over in my mind today. This morning I went to "Mom to Mom" which is a once-a-month program at our church that offers encouragement and teaching to moms. This month's topic was "Marriage" specifically how to communicate to your spouse. I didn't come away with much new information. But I was reminded of our first year of marriage and some things that we learned about ourselves.

Lessons I've learned:
1. Take a breath and try to explain, even if it's a jumbled mess at the beginning.
Let me elaborate. I didn't (and still don't, at times) communicate well what I'm feeling. There were occasions that I would get so upset that I'd pout in the bedroom or lock myself in the bathroom to have my pity party. The main problem with this is that it would leave Luke so confused and left in the dark about what was really wrong. I don't run away anymore and haven't for several years. We are able to talk through most of our problems peaceably even if it means waiting til we've cooled off a bit. (By the way, I don't agree with the statement "Don't go to bed angry" I usually find that, even after a rough night's sleep, things usually look clearer in the morning.) I've learned that the reason I usually got upset was because I felt disconnected, like we were just roommates, living separate lives, only occupying the same living space. I think that's pretty normal for the first year and it does take time to learn how to live together.

2. Say "Thank you" to your spouse, even for the things that are "their job"
I don't remember where I heard this, but it has stuck with me. Everyone likes to be appreciated, right? I am so encouraged when Luke says thank you for the things I do routinely, from laundry to taking care of our son. So, a few years ago, when things started to get a bit difficult financially for us, and Luke was beginning to get discouraged, I tried to make sure to say thank you to Luke at least once a day. It's a simple concept, but I found that I hadn't been appreciating my husband in a way he could see it. Some times I wouldn't see him all day, so I'd leave a note in his lunchbox or on a sticky note where I'd be sure he'd see it. He is always uplifted by those notes and thank you's, it makes our days not quite so heavy. I don't do this as often as I used to, having a child can change your focus a bit, but I do try to say it more than once a week.

3. Pray together
I think this started while we were still dating. I was going to counseling for depression and other issues, and at times I would have anxiety attacks while with Luke. He would pray (sometimes read scripture or sing), not knowing really what else to do, and that usually calmed me down. From there, when we were on the phone at night, we would close our conversation in the evening with prayer. Now, it's the last thing we do in the evening. I look forward to that close time with Luke every night, hearing his heart as he prays over our family and for our future.

4.You, your spouse, and your children are your family. Everyone else is just relatives.
This is something Luke heard from his mom. I remember him telling me, "WE are family, our parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and nieces and nephews - they are just relatives." I felt such a weight fall from my shoulders. The pressure we put on ourselves and others to make it to every family gathering is sometimes ridiculous. I think there were over 10 Christmas gatherings (family and work related) we had to attend our first year together and I was so stressed out I couldn't enjoy any of it. But since we've taken this on as a sort of motto for how we decide on what family gatherings we can attend, it has really simplified our lives. We love our family, we aren't trying to avoid them, and sometimes we still do too much. But the guilt for not attending an event is reduced. We first think, "Is this going to be healthy for my family?" And sometimes it's not. Other times it is.

I don't think I'm an expert on marriage, these are simply things I've learned and grown in in the last 5 years.

A Lie

Lately I've had this thought running through my mind that has helped me deal with the disappointment of unrealized expectations. I know this month is all about thankfulness and sometimes this thought actually helps me to be thankful. I haven't posted the hundredth post about what I'm thankful for because, lets be honest, most days it's difficult. This thought confronts a lie, a lie that has been plaguing my generation, that feeds our appetite of self-entitlement and laziness which in turn makes us very dissatisfied and ungrateful.

When I look at my life as it is I struggle with being content. People in their late 20s and early 30s should be better off than this, right? We should have a house with a yard, a steady income, two cars, kids, smart phones, vacations, and stuff, stuff, stuff. Right? We should be able to go for a trip to the beach on a whim or go out to eat at a nice restaurant. We should have well established friendships that will continue on as our children grow. It should be smooth sailing, right?

Wrong!

The lie that's been told again and again is this: Find what you're passionate about and dedicate your life to it. If you're passionate enough, you can earn your living off of it.You're an American, you should do what you want, it's all about the pursuit of happiness.

I find this to be the biggest load of hooey. It doesn't work. No one is passionate about cleaning hair out of public shower drains. There are very few people that can pay their bills by doing what they love.

I thought that Luke would be a youth pastor forever. We love students and enjoy encouraging them to grow and mature into adults. But that line of work doesn't pay our bills. Sure, I could find a job so that Luke could be a part-time youth pastor/part-time barista. But then we'd miss out on our own child's life and he's worth more than all that.


I guess what I'm saying is that I've been disillusioned about what this stage of life is supposed to look like. It doesn't mean you're free to dream, it means you have to make the difficult choices and say no to a lot. Houses, kids, cars, vacations, and all the stuff has to wait. The one bedroom apartment, one car, few and far between vacations, and Salvation Army finds is reality and where we're going to be for the foreseeable future.

I am so thankful for our apartment, for my beautiful son, my strong, determined, hard-working, understanding husband, a car that works, and the thrift store finds that have helped us make it. Our life is simple and stressful, but it could be a whole lot worse. I thank God for the blessings He has given us and the grace He showers on me when I'm a self-centered, entitled, whiny brat.

Smiling Eyes

Seth has beautiful smiling eyes. I can see love in them when he looks at me and Luke, excitement when he's discovering something new, and I can see the look for reassurance from me when he's scared or hurt. There are so many things his little eyes and expressions tell me, it's such a blessing.

In about a week my son will be going to see an ophthalmologist  about his eyes. For those of you who don't know, Seth has blocked tear ducts in both eyes. We were hoping that his eyes would clear up by now, on their own, but they haven't. This will be our first visit with this doctor and I pray that we wont have to wait months more before getting his eyes cleared up.

The procedure that will probably be done is, as far as we know, performed by the ophthalmologist and he'll use a small probe and pass it through Seth's tear ducts to open them up, while Seth is under anesthesia. I'm anxious about having this all done to my little guy. But I also hope that it will clear up his constantly irritated eyes. He's had repeated eye infections, raw eyelids and skin around his eyes because of steady tears running down his face and his little fists rubbing at them.

There are several reason we've waited so long to take care of this problem. First off, our doctor (whom we are no longer with) casually told us to go see the eye doctor when Seth was about 6 months old. There was a brief, 'Oh, it's just blocked tear ducts, nothing serious' comment as we were hurried through our appointment. So I didn't feel the need to add extra doctor's visits for something that wasn't a big deal.

I later looked up things we could do to try and clear them up on our own, including warm damp cloths, pressure/massaging the corner of the eye, and keeping them clean. Most of the research I did said that the ducts should clear up on their own by the time Seth turns one. I also thought it might be allergies.

However, if anything, his little eyes have gotten worse. People are constantly asking, 'Was he just crying?' or 'What's wrong with his eyes?' We had drops for his eyes, which cleared them up for about a week, but since then it's been rough. One or both of his eyes is always filled with icky green build-up, making it hard for Seth to open his eyes at times.

I am looking forward to when he can see without all the goop around his eyes and I wont have to constantly wipe away the tears that aren't draining properly. I want to see his smiling eyes without seeing the redness and irritation.

I know it's a very small problem, in the grand scheme of things, but I'm still praying for healing for my little boy.

June 26th, 2007

December 2007

Six years ago, today, Luke and I started dating, officially. We first met in a neighborhood coffee shop that was a start-off point for a college group I had been attending. It was probably my second time going to this college group and I didn't know many people there. I felt a bit out of place and a little lost. The two previous years had been quite eventful for me. A year in Central Asia and then a semester at Trinity Western University in Langley, BC. Now I was back home, living with my parents, attending Mt. Hood Community College, and working three part-time jobs.

The college group was a good place for me to meet some new people and attend a new church. I remember seeing Luke, and his friend Chad, come through the door at Cafe Delirium, mid-January 2007,  and there was something about Luke that caught my attention. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but I knew I wanted to know more about this guy. The funny thing is, though, I kept telling myself not to be focused on guys for a while. Just enjoy life as it was and not get caught up in this 'does he like me?' fog.

As spring started, Luke and I hung out more and more. Starting out with friends from college group, then gradually just the two of us. I remember after a while thinking that this friendship was not going anywhere, that I was in another friendship that was just that, friends. I had made the mistake, multiple times, of thinking there was something more, when there wasn't. So I was very cautious about getting hurt again. I told myself I needed to stop hanging out with Luke, but then I got a phone call after work one day.

He called and asked if I wanted to go out to a movie, I told him I needed to call him back cause I was still at work. (I had just got off my shift as a swim instructor and needed to clean up) Immediately after I hung up with him, I called my friend Katelyn and asked, "What am I supposed to do??" She in turn said, "Get off the phone with me, call him, and say YES!!" :) Luke and I did go out that night, and had a blast.

A couple weeks later, walking through the park, Luke asked me to be his girlfriend. I tried not to be too excited, or giddy, so I simply answered, "I think I could do that." I can't believe how fast six years goes by. I think we've changed a lot since first getting to know each other and it's good to look back  and see how far we've come.

2008

Bikes, Hikes, and Bug Bites

After months of feeling locked inside our one-bedroom apartment we're so grateful for the nice weather! We considered, only briefly, buying a second car so I could get out more with Seth, but our budget doesn't allow for that. So, we compromised and found a bike for Luke to ride to work! He doesn't bike to work everyday, but having the freedom to actually make plans after one o'clock in the afternoon is WONDERFUL.

You have no idea how isolating it is when your home is too small to invite people over and you can't meet friends anywhere because you don't have transportation. I feel like I've lost friendships over the last two years because of the disconnect we've had; from our work in youth ministry, 9 months without internet at home, change in churches, and a work schedule that is opposite of others'. Hopefully some of the changes we're making now will help us reconnect with people we've lost touch with over the last few years.

Along with getting our 'second vehicle' this month, Seth is just about to turn 10 months. It's so fun to experience life through his eyes. His personality is really starting to develop. Just the other day he was playing peek-a-boo with me, using a blanket to hide. He's starting to laugh and giggle more too. Sometime last week we heard him laughing in his bed around 6 a.m.  I went out to check on him and he had pushed the mattress pad of the Pac-N-Play up and was sitting there kicking it, watching it flap back and forth... I guess it was really funny...

Recently we've been able to take some day trips to explore the outdoors with Seth. My brother, Eric, and his fiance, Cassandra, took us on a hike to Ramona Falls. Quite the hike,  but so worth it. I think it's a 7 mile hike, round trip. I haven't been on that long of a hike since I was in high school, I'm sure!

Cannon Beach

Another day we drove to Cannon Beach and played in the sand for a bit. Seth LOVED it. He's a fan of wide open spaces where he can crawl fast and far. Definitely got mad at me when I tried to get him to take an afternoon nap that day.

At Little Crater Lake

A couple weekends ago we took a trip to Little Crater Lake where we celebrated Eric's 30th birthday and fought off mosquitoes. I think Seth only came away with one bite, lucky kid. It was another beautiful day and, if Luke hadn't had to be at work the next day, we would've tried camping. Maybe later this summer.

I'm really looking forward to more adventures as a family. More hikes and time at the pool; playing at the park and enjoying the warm sun on our faces. Life isn't perfect, but we're so thankful for what we have.

Death, where is your sting? - 1 Cor 15:55

Sometimes things just catch me off guard.

I was going through some old emails and deleting old accounts, when I ran across an email address that made me start to cry. You see, this summer, a dear friend of my sister and a former coworker of ours passed away. It was unexpected. He was 22 and though I hadn't seen him in several years it still hurts knowing he's gone. I worked at Montavilla pool for 8 summers and Michael was there the last couple years. He was a great kid, like another little brother. I wasn't able to go to his memorial service 'cause I was at a baby shower for my son, Seth. I think about him almost every day and I'm sad he's gone.

I don't understand why Michael's not here anymore. I don't know what was troubling him so much. I hurt for his family, having lost a brother and a son. Sometimes I look at my beautiful baby boy and I think how Michael's mom must be heartbroken. I can't imagine losing Seth.

I struggle to keep my hands open and keep Seth in God's hands. Things like this make me want to hold on to him so much tighter and hug him just a little longer. I guess it just proves I'm a momma.

My heart aches. There are several people fairly close to me who have lost loved ones lately, I just want to sit and cry with them and let them know it's OK that it hurts. I don't know what else to say. How do you comfort a friend who's lost their daughter or grandfather?

Easter is coming up in a few weeks. I'll probably be an emotional wreck, thinking about the mother's perspective this year. It's interesting how your point of view changes. Jesus wasn't just some single guy, He was a son, a brother, a friend, let alone the fact He is God. I often forget and take for granted what Jesus has done for me. I am so happy I can hope in Him.

5 1/2 Months Being a Mom

About a year ago we shared with the world the anticipation of our expected child. I wondered who this little person growing inside me would be, and I still wonder what kind of person he'll grow into.

Hey!

Seth is such a sweetheart. I know all mom's think their kids are the best, but seriously, how did I get to be the mommy of this wonderful baby boy? At Costco the other day a lady leaned over as we walked by and said, "No returns when they turn 12." I laughed, but it makes me sad too. I don't enjoy every second of being a mom, but his little smile and bear hugs when he's happy make the fussy/whiny times easier to deal with.

Snuggles & smiles

Currently he's teething. Which means he's fussy, a lot. But after nap time, when I pick him up out of his bed, he's so happy that his body can't hardly contain it. He squirms and wiggles, squeals and hugs me tight, smiles and kicks, it's one of my favorite parts of the day.  It's closely followed by bed time, just after feeding him his last bottle and he's got milk smeared all around his mouth, he snuggles into my shoulder and breaths heavily as he falls asleep.

"Helping" and talking with mom

Lately Seth has been all about daddy, too. He loves to be with Luke. The other night, not long after Luke got home from work, Seth woke up. Seth usually stays mostly asleep when I change his diaper and feed him during the night, but last night he saw daddy and squealed with excitement, didn't want to have anything to do with me, just get to Luke as fast as he could. After Seth snuggled into Luke's shoulder and talked to him for a little while, he did eventually fall back to sleep. It makes me happy that Seth loves his dad.

Pretty soon our little guy is going to be crawling, eating solids, and growing up. I am so happy that I get to spend this time with him. It's not always easy, but I'm very grateful that I can be at home with him.